The Story of My Life

I was born two miles outside of a small town in upstate New York.. very rural.. even idyllic, you might say.  Our plot of land was nestled among neighboring farms amidst hay fields, streams, rolling hills, and cloudy skies.  On our plot we had ample yard space, as well as a functioning barn, chicken coop, tool shed, full-sized garden, and a small field with a tiny stream.  The barn housed a milk cow, a steer raised for slaughtering, and from time to time, a horse for riding.  My dad raised chickens and peddled eggs when I was a kid. The two-story house (with a cellar and an ominous attic, which I feared venturing into) was small in proportion to the land it sat on.  Us two girls shared one room, and my two brothers shared another, while my oldest sister got a small room of her own. And of course my parents had a room.  All rooms were tightly packed into the upstairs level along with one small bathroom which serviced the whole house.  As children, we chased each other around the house, played board games, took walks through the fields with no sense of danger, or spent an afternoon at the neighborhood fire station which had a pond we could swim in, if you didn't mind blood suckers, and a stream for fishing.  I was happy as a child.

But things changed.  As a teenager I was depressed.  The depression lasted for many decades.  I not only didn't know why I was depressed, I did know that I was depressed until much later in life - I was in my 50s when I first admitted it, and in my 60s when I first admitted it openly.  I hated it when people said "Smile!" to me.  My mom worked the night shift (3pm to midnight) so we only got to see her mornings before we left for school, and on the weekends.  On the weekends, she was understandably tired.  Saturdays, she did the shopping with my sister and I clinging to her existence.  Sundays she made a family meal, alternating between fried chicken, chicken and dumplings, and pot roast.  Occasional she had a tea party with us (a soda-filled tea pot was used for tea).  She generally did not have much time for us.  As we got older, she really did not know what to do with us.  She had no sense of paying attention to us as personalities who needed attention, conversation, or listening to.  Not having many friends, most of her conversations were relegated to my older sister whom she inappropriately confided in like an adult.  And living in a rural setting with no friends nearby to confide in, left me lonely.

My dad worked days, and spent a good deal of time after work doing chores for the animals.  (I have sometimes wondered if this arrangement was an unconscious way of dealing with their marriage.)  He rarely spoke to us, except to tell us what to do and how to do it.  He taught me how long to cook vegetables (till limp), and how to sweep a floor.  He didn't know how to talk to us.  Emotionally, he was shut down.  I never witnessed him laughing except if he was winning at cards, or at an occasional joke that someone else was the brunt of.  He was often gruff.  If we got too happy, he shut us down.  Occasionally a marital dispute would erupt and his anger released like a volcano.  Aside from that, he had a solid sense of respect and nonjudgement of others, as was witnessed by the tacit acceptance with which he greeted boyfriend after boyfriend that I brought home, most of whom were largely unimpressive.  (I was easily impressed.)

A man used to visit my dad from time to time.  He was dressed in frumpy pants, a long-sleeved work shirt, and a battered dress hat - a failed attempt to appear presentable.  He would sit in the kitchen and talk to my dad while we lingered around shyly, accepting compliments.  Eventually, the conversation would end up with him asking my dad to borrow money.  My dad always pulled something out of his pocket and gave it to him.  This was no small feat considering he had five kids to support and he worked in a leather tanning factory - not known for making fortunes.  My mom, too, endured hard labor in a record factory working hot presses on an assembly line.

By the time I graduated from high school, all I could think about was getting out of that town as if it were the cause of all my unhappiness.  No one encouraged me to do anything but get a job.  My younger sister had gotton pregnant with her forever boyfriend and she was destined to stay there.  But I stayed long enough to graduate from the local community college, then from Woodstock, before I left Albany airport with a one-way ticket to San Francisco with my pet turtle, whom the stewaress graciously supplied with a cup of water.  I met up with a friend who was headed to art school there.  Later, the turtle mysteriously got lost in our tiny studio apartment and I never found him again.

Over the tender, youthful years of my 20s, I nurtured the drinking skills I had begun in New York starting at age 16.  I experimented with drug use, and I slept with young men as a way of getting attention, affection, and a sense of self worth, and for fun. But I had no idea how to relate to them beyond that.  I clung to them, or I pushed them away if they expected me to relate to them in an authentic manner.

I moved to Arizona and in my 30s met a man with whom I could carry on a love relationship, and we got married.  For a number of years we had a lot of fun traveling and working together.  I gradually discovered that in some significant ways, he was as emotionally shut down as my dad was.  His wit and his humor adeptly disguised it.  I began to face up to the fact that I, too, was emotionally shut down.  But, I didn't want to be.  I just didn't know how not to be.  To add to the disfunction, I had no idea how to stop the bickering and hurt feelings.  I blamed him for most everything.  We became distanced.  There was no way to end the suffering but to end the marriage (and the expectations), so I did.

This is a story of coming to terms with my past, and realizing that I was/am a victim of it in many ways.  I live by myself now with two cats.  I know many people.  I have a few friends.  I continue to say or do things that hurt others and it usually baffles me how that happened... some of my behaviors are still so embedded I cannot recognize them.  They serve to protect me from being hurt and I am in the process of letting them go.  I could go on about how I love my life, and this is the life of my dreams.  But I did not dream of this.  I dreamed of being happily married to a peaceful man with 4 kids who were happy and healthy, with two cats in the yard... I got that part.  

My main interest is in helping others.  I love to talk to people who are looking for a caring person to listen to them, support them, offer guidance if appropriate, and who are looking for a person who wants to acknowledge their struggles.  I like to talk to those who have found themselves in a daze wondering how they ended up depressed, without friends, and/or in dysfuncitonal relationships, accept them where they are at, and help them take responsibility for their behaviors, and possibly even change those behaviors.  I was helped out of my maze by a several significant groups that I have had the privilege to be associated with over the years... people who were patient, forgiving, loving, and strong enough not to take me too seriously when I went off track.  Actually, that includes my ex-husband who remains a friend of mine today.  I have been able to help a number of people with these challenges in a similar way.

We all deserve to live happy fulfilled lives.  Not a cute statement.  We do.  I am committed to help others see that it is possible.  I surround myself with people who are interested in attaining similar goals.  I don't try to escape the world too much any more, but embrace it in my own imperfect way, still making mistakes, hopefully helping more people than I am hurting.

I forgive pretty easily.  I ask the same of others, but that would be an expectation that could bring  bring a great deal of disappointment, and it's conditional.  So I just go back to me.  I forgive pretty easily.  And even if you don't forgive me, or can't love me, I still endeavor to forgive you, and, yes, even to love you.

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Suzanne is available for coaching and spiritual guidance.  She has a rich spiritual (not religious) background and offers compassionate listening, spiritual guidance, and can offer healing blessings that bring light to transform stubborn blockages.
https://suzee5.wixsite.com/coachingwithsuzanne

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[It's just my background.  It helped form who I am.  It is not who I am.]

Love Myself

Love myself.  When did I ever know what that meant?  I mean, I tried.  I did the exercises.  I hugged myself.  I smiled at myself in the mirror.  I wrote affirmations and posted them about (and then stopped "seeing" them).  I talked to myself - told myself how pretty/valued/special/talented/etc., I was.

And then, yesterday, I was feeling kind of sad about the way I have treated myself throughout the years; and how I have allowed others to treat me.  So I did a forgiveness practice around it.

I asked my soul to come forth and the souls of the holy beings, who guide and protect me, to bless my practice.

I asked myself (my soul) to forgive me (this human form) for the ways in which I have allowed myself to be disrespected.

I asked myself to forgive me for not focusing on how worthy I am - just to be here.

I asked myself to forgive me for not valuing my true voice, and my true feelings, and giving in to others' opinions, ideas and complaints.

I asked myself to forgive me for allowing people who did not have my best interests in mind, to take advantage of me, in exchange for attention and false praise.

I asked myself to forgive me for not nurturing a sense of preciousness of my own dear soul, who only holds my best interests in its heart.

And, indeed, I turned a corner to start to understand what loving myself really means.

One More Illusion Bites the Dust

I don't know why it happened today.
I suppose it is the culmination of years of introspection.
Sharing things I don't understand - by describing my feelings.
Doggedly questioning my life-long belief of unworthiness.
The invisible transformation that occurs when studying with a Master.

But today, for no particular reason that I can identify,
sitting in the waiting room of the car repair shop
(an unlikely place to have a revelation),
(except my mechanic reminds me of the patriarchy that I grew up with)
(the patriarchal attitude [that includes some women] that defends and supports men like Donald Trump),

I finally

drop the judgements that my brother
that men in general
that society

have of me
as an inferior gender
as an unworthy participant in this Mother Earth experience
as a victim of bullying, small-mindedness, and prejudice.

I KNOW
I SEE
I AM

I am sitting there, and (not suddenly),
but quite naturally,
I notice that I can see these men for who they are.
That I, for one, am not reflecting their insecurities any more.
That I no longer need their approval to derive a sense of worth from.
I know that I have my own power.
And my power is POWERFUL (if not fully realized).
I see how so many men (and women) in my life have had me believe myself unworthy by using me as a stoop for their own misguided source of self-worth.
I am now above that kind of judgement, that kind of abuse.  I see it clearly now.

Good luck to all of you.
May you see your own worth someday as not dependent upon someone else's limitations/weakness/vulnerability.

I actually felt quite naturally - without the effort of conjuring it up - a sense of gratitude for having gone through the struggle it took to be able to see this.
Thank you.
And now you are freer to be on your journey as well without me dragging you down with feelings of victimhood, guilt, shame, and blame.

Compassion

I recently attended a workshop on Compassion offered by Master Ximena, Master Sande, Master Debra and Nadia Rose.  Many teachings and blessings were offered.  I was chosen as a demo for a Calligraphy Soul Healing where Nadia Rose created a Calligraphy and offered me a blessing from the calligraphy.  The blessing lasted 2 minutes.  I asked for Open Heart for my request.  The blessing was very powerful for me.  I felt the Divine Love and blessings flow through me.  After, the whole front of the room was full of Divine Light.  I felt humbled and touched and very supported by my fellow community members as they celebrated my blessing.  The soul reading described much darkness leaving my message center (heart chakra).  So much light.  I am so very grateful.  Now about a week later, I notice how I am able to see others with much less attachment and much more compassion.  It is a relief.  It ia also allowing me to be present with people in a much more profound way.   Thank you thank you thank you.

Light

Master Ximena is standing very still without speaking.  She is holding up a lantern.  We are in a dark cave.  There is another person holding another lantern, dimmer, for it is farther down the tunnel.  I am looking for the way out.  I cannot recognize the light.  I look down another passageway, dark as can be, for light.  I get frustrated and confused.  I look up.  I look under rocks.  I speak to the spiders.  They chatter with friendliness but are blind.  Finally I look for Master Ximena.  She is there where she has been all this time.  Her messages are not confused; they are clear.  And I begin my journey out.

Driving

I drive people around part time for pay.  The riders get to rate me from one star to five stars.  I generally get five stars.  But sometimes I don't.  One time I got an "attitude" complaint.  I was astounded.  What attitude were they referring to?  I am always polite, I thank them, open doors for them, provide candy, drive safely, etc.  If anything, they should be showering me with tips - which, mostly, does not happen.  (Tipping is not required or even encouraged.)  Who were these people???  Clearly there was something I was overlooking.  I started paying more attention to everything I was feeling, saying, and doing.
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Often there is confusion about where to pick up riders... for reasons I will not go into.  Sometimes they wonder why I can't find them.  No matter how I sugar coat it, my conversation with them over the phone can convey frustration.  I sometimes go into judgement that they have no logical sense, and must be dim-witted.

It turns out (I can tell from the tone in their voice), that they are thinking the same thing about me.  Which came first, the chicken or the egg?  Who is right and who is wrong?

It doesn't matter.  The only thing that matters is that I am making judgements.  Period.  And they feel that.  And, whether this is the source of my "attitude" complaints or not, it is something that I own up to as needing transformation.

Even if someone was dimwitted, so what?  That does not mean I do not put forth the greatest effort to be of service to them.  Even if someone is insulting, it is not a reason for me to garner an "attitude".  Even if someone is disrespectful, it is an opportunity for me remain established in the awareness of my own Truths.  And that may be accompanied by me declining to serve them.

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Usually we are able to navigate me to where they are.  When we see each other in person, when they get into my car, I drop all attitudes and express that I am glad to have found them, ask how they are, and connect with them however I can.  Now I see them as real people.  People who are just like me, and who almost always turn out to be enjoyable to be with.

They respond in like, usually, and the judgements drop away as we both realize that we are just doing the best that we can, and both want a seamless connection.

Mostly, we all want to feel loved and to be loving.  If the feeling of love is not there, that is my work. It is not their fault.  I can choose to drop the frustration, the judgements.  I can choose to be responsible for my own attitudes, remembering that we both have the same goal, and will allow these situations to work out with mutual respect.

Lap Cat

This morning, my cat laid on my lap for about ten minutes straight, soaking up the love, while I led a spiritual practice and chanted on a conference call.

What is so unusual about that, you ask.

My cat has never allowed himself to be held for more than about... seven seconds.

This morning during the practices, I was able to touch into my heart in a new and deeper way.  I felt love in my message center (heart chakra), in response to healing a relationship that I am working on.  I allowed the love to be the healing force.  I allowed myself to feel and to follow that force.  I allowed myself to explore its nature.  I allowed it to exist for as long as I was able to hold it.  It was all up to me.  My cat and I were in the epicenter of that force.  And he and I were digging it.