Victim Bubble
I have a victim bubble.
Here’s what it is -- it is a filter that all incoming information passes through before I experience it.
So, when I read a letter from someone, or receive information in any way from someone - speech, even a class - I cannot perceive the true intent, because the information has passed through my victim bubble and reconstructed it. Now my mind processes the reconstructed information and my mouth speaks a response - a response based on a distorted interpretation.
What’s wrong with that? It’s not true. Sometimes it totally misses the mark of the original intention of the message.
What’s wrong with that? I’ve lost connection with the originator. I can’t be authentic, although I am pretty good at cloaking my responses in an authentic-sounding packages. Sometimes I fool people. Sometimes I create pain. That is the problem. The pain of disconnection. Same as when I talk to someone and they clearly are not listening to me to understand me, but are listening and formulating a reply at the same time. Painful.
Many times, I totally blank out what has been written or said. If I realize it, I go back to it. Sometimes I have blanked-out on something that I do not have the maturity to hear. That’s understandable. Sometimes I have blanked-out on something that my ego does not want to hear. That’s keeping me me from considering a new version of a previously held belief. My ego does not like to be one-upped.
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I never got to see the true potential of my mother. She was steeped in pain. I think there were glimpses of her potential when I was younger - her free spirit, her yearnings, her openness. Gradually, she shut down into a self contained ball of insecurities - impenetrable.
What is it that causes people to stay in that painful, and pain-producing, “protected” ball? Wouldn’t you think they would want to get out of that? I could see it so clearly with my mother. She was so wrapped up in her refusal to take any responsibility for her life. Only her children could remedy her unhappiness, in her mind. AND, they were the cause of her unhappiness. Yet, no matter what we did or didn’t do to try to remedy her pain, happiness was fleeting, impermanent. It was always back to the victim status. Of course, trying to remedy her pain was our first mistake.
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At the same time, I would not have known what to do with it had she shown her true potential. My perception of who she was, and not wanting her to change, was a factor in her inability to change. Otherwise I would not have played into her drama the way I did.
What was it my mom feared? She feared her own self. Her own expression. Her own power. She feared losing what she lost in order to maintain some semblance of happiness. Love - specifically, self-love - and acceptance - unconditional - not based on whether or not we remembered her birthday.
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*** Other people also have a victim bubble. I so much want them to see me, but they just can’t. Too much blur from the bubble. Only a vague sense of what I am trying to communicate. I internally suffer from their lack of clarity. Why? Because I think that they can see me and that their responses are coming from that place. Therefore, in my mind, they are deliberately trying to hurt me. But no, they can’t see me. And their reactions - often distancing, hurtful, critical, lacking compassion, unforgiving, and more - are coming from that place.
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People - walking around in their own personalized victim bubbles, bumping into one another, forming judgements, feeling hurt, isolating. Every now and then, a person comes by who has no bubble. Is she bleeding, bruised, defeated? No. She is light, happy, and confident. This is the surprise. The part that we don’t get. The part that my mother never got. The part I struggle with. When we can get clear of our victim mentality, our victim filter, we can relate to others authentically. What does this mean? As a person without a bubble, we can relate to others with love and compassion. No matter if they have a bubble or not. No matter what their behavior. Our happiness does not depend on their behavior. We naturally don’t buy into their story. Of course it’s a lot more fun if they don’t have the bubble. But expecting that clarity from others is the road to disappointment.
If we feel hurt, rest assured, we have a bubble which we maintain - which means we are not relating to them authentically. Ouch!
Without our own protective bubble - and this is the surprising part - their behavior does not hurt us. We are open-hearted, confident, and free from the judgements of others. All this, surprising so, because we thought that if we did not have the bubble, we would be vulnerable and get hurt. This is the delightful surprise waiting for us at the death of our bubble. POP! Free!
Until then, just be aware of your precious bubble, love it, talk to it, and let it know that it is ok for it to transition, to meld with the infinite, to be free. Let it know you will be fine without it, and you want it to be free as well.
